*I no longer have an ED*
Back in the day when I was about 13/14 years old, I was suffering with an eating disorder; anorexia. Although I'm not sure if I would say that, that is what I had... Back then, I didn't really know or understand ED's or anything like that. My would Dad would sometimes hug me and state how skinny and bony I was. Looking back on it now, I realise I was very skinny, I think I was just under 7 stone. I would always think that I wasn't ill, my Dad was wrong and that is just how I was built.
Looking back on it now, I realise how ill I was. I'm not really concerned with my physical state but more rather my mental state, my attitude and relationship with food; I hated food. I would feel nauseous just thinking about eating.
If I was home alone all day, I would happily not eat at all. I would put bread or scatter crumbs on a plate (and putting the bread back in the bag) to make it look like I had something to eat and tell my Dad that I had a sandwich when he got home. That's how bad it was, the fact that I had to lie about it. Of course at the time, I thought nothing of it. I just didn't want to eat, hated food, couldn't be bothered, wasn't hungry or just felt sick thinking about food. I was unable to finish meals, leaving almost half of it because I felt sick or I was full. My body was basically messed up. Eating sort of felt like a chore to me.
If I was home alone all day, I would happily not eat at all. I would put bread or scatter crumbs on a plate (and putting the bread back in the bag) to make it look like I had something to eat and tell my Dad that I had a sandwich when he got home. That's how bad it was, the fact that I had to lie about it. Of course at the time, I thought nothing of it. I just didn't want to eat, hated food, couldn't be bothered, wasn't hungry or just felt sick thinking about food. I was unable to finish meals, leaving almost half of it because I felt sick or I was full. My body was basically messed up. Eating sort of felt like a chore to me.
I don't think the mental side of the disorder is widely recognised, not in my case anyway. Majority of the population think of an ED as physical. But the way I was thinking was not healthy at all and I think more people need to recognise that.
So after my Dad spoke to me properly about this and made me sort of realise (I still wasn't fully convinced), I began to get better. It took me about a year to really get over my eating habits but I eventually came to eat better. I began to love food, love eating, it no longer felt like a chore, I wanted to snack and eat and of course, I started to put on weight and I became much healthier and looked healthier and felt better.
I don't know the direct reasons for my habits but there was a few things that probably contributed. I feel like I have to emphasis the fact that I was more mentally ill than physically ill and a lot of people don't see that. During those years, I think I was depressed as well. I wasn't clinically diagnosed but I recognised and acknowledged how sad I was, how tired I was, I had lacked energy and other symptoms. *I no longer feel like this and no longer feel I have depression*
So, there you have it, my not so healthy teenage years. If you have experienced similar symptoms or feel like you have experienced the same as I have, I would love for you to contact me! I wrote this post to see if anyone felt the same and went through the same as I did because like I have said repeatedly, the mental aspect of it was much more concerning than my physical health and weight.
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